How to Make Friends as an Adult: Why Game Night Works

Learning how to make friends as an adult feels hard because, for most of your life, you never had to learn it. School and your first jobs did the work for you. They put the same people in the same room, week after week, with something to do together. Take that structure away and friendship stops happening on its own. The fix is to rebuild the structure on purpose, and a weekly game night is one of the simplest ways to do it.

The quick answer: pick one recurring activity, go every week for at least two months, and choose one with something to do besides talk. A standing game night fits that recipe better than almost anything else. It gives strangers a reason to sit together, a job for their hands, and a reason to come back next week.

Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?

In 2021 the Survey Center on American Life found that 12 percent of Americans said they had no close friends, up from 3 percent in 1990. If you feel like your circle has shrunk, you have plenty of company.

The reason is not that adults forgot how to be likable. Sociologists have long pointed to three conditions that make friendship form almost by accident, a list the New York Times summed up well:

1. Proximity. You are physically near the same people.
2. Repeated, unplanned contact. You see them again and again without anyone having to schedule it.
3. A setting that lets people relax. There is room to let your guard down and share a little.

A school hallway has all three. So does a first job, a dorm, or a team. Then adult life spreads people out. You move, change jobs, start a family, or work from home. Each change removes one of the three conditions, and nobody hands you a replacement.

That is the useful part of the diagnosis. If the problem is missing structure, you do not need a new personality. You need a new structure.

How long does it take to make a friend as an adult?

Longer than one good conversation. A 2018 study by Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas estimated that it takes about 50 hours together to go from acquaintance to casual friend, about 90 hours to become friends, and more than 200 hours to become close friends.

Those numbers explain why so many attempts fizzle. A coffee meetup with someone new is a pleasant hour. Then both of you get busy, and the second hour never comes. You did nothing wrong. You just never got past hour one.

So the real question is not “Where do I meet people?” It is “Where can I spend many hours with the same people, without scheduling each one?” Anything that recurs on its own answers it.

How to make friends as an adult: the weekly table method

Here is a plan that rebuilds all three conditions at once. It works with a hiking club, a choir, or a climbing gym. We think it works best with games, for reasons covered in the next section.

1. Pick one recurring thing, not ten one-offs

One weekly commitment beats a calendar full of events where you meet a new crowd each time. Repetition is the whole engine. If you only have room for one thing, choose the one that meets on the same night every week.

2. Choose an activity with a built-in job

Activities that give everyone something to do take the pressure off talking. You are not there to impress anyone. You are there to play, sing, or climb, and the conversation fills the gaps.

3. Go at least eight times before you judge it

The first night you are a stranger. By the fourth, people know your name. By the eighth, someone saves you a seat. Most people quit around the second visit, which is just before it starts to work.

4. Learn names, and follow up small

Write down names after you leave if you need to. Next week, ask the person who mentioned a job interview how it went. Small follow-ups tell people you were paying attention, which is most of what early friendship is.

5. Move one person one step outside the room

After a few weeks, invite one regular to something adjacent: a coffee before the next night, a new game at your place, a ride to the event. This is the step that turns “people I see on Tuesdays” into friends.

6. Host, eventually

The people who end up with the most friends are often the ones who start the next table. Hosting gives you a reason to invite people and makes you the center of a small network. Our guide to starting a board game group that lasts covers how to keep one going.

Why does a weekly game night work so well?

A game night quietly supplies every ingredient on the list above.

It gives you a reason to ask. “We’re playing games Thursday, want to come?” is an invitation to a thing, not a request for friendship. Nobody has to admit they are lonely to say yes.

It gives your hands and eyes somewhere to go. Sitting across from a stranger with nothing between you is hard. With a board on the table, you can look at the cards, think out loud, and talk when you feel like it.

It creates shared moments fast. The last-turn steal, the clue nobody understood, the cooperative game you won by one card: these become stories the group tells for months. Shared stories are the raw material of friendship.

It repeats without effort. Once a game night has a fixed time, nobody has to plan the next hang. The hours Hall talks about pile up on their own, a few at a time.

It works for quiet people. The game carries the conversation. If you are an introvert, see our guide to game night for introverts for picks that are easy on your energy.

It is cheap and indoors. No gym membership, no gear, no good knees required. A deck of cards and a table are enough to start.

Researchers have spent decades showing that relationships matter for health, too. The Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has followed people for more than 80 years, found close relationships to be one of the strongest predictors of a long, happy life. A weekly game is a small habit with a big return.

Where can you find a game night to join?

You do not have to start one from scratch. Plenty of public game nights already exist, and most of them welcome people who show up alone.

• Local game stores. Many host open board game nights and card game nights every week. Ask at the counter.
• Libraries. A growing number run free adult game nights, often with a shelf of games to borrow.
• Board game cafes. Some run social nights where staff seat solo visitors at a table with others.
• Meetup groups and community boards. Search for board games in your town and look for groups that meet weekly, not monthly.
• Breweries and coffee shops. Many have a weekly game night, sometimes run by a local group.

Our guide to finding a board game night near you covers how to tell a welcoming night from a cliquey one and what to expect when you walk in alone. If you live in or near Indianapolis, start with our weekly guide to Indianapolis game nights.

What if you don’t play games yet?

Good news: most game nights are built for that. Ask the host for something light, or bring one of the easiest board games to learn yourself. Games like Codenames, Just One, and Ticket to Ride teach in a few minutes.

If you want a short list to start from, our picks for gateway games for friends who don’t play yet are a good place to begin. Cooperative games are another easy first step, since everyone wins or loses together and nobody gets singled out.

Making friends as an adult at every stage of life

The method stays the same, but the details change with your situation. We have written deeper guides for some of the most common ones:

• If you are a man and find this especially hard: men often bond side by side, not face to face. Read how to make friends as an adult man.
• If you just moved: a 90-day plan for building a circle from zero is in how to make friends in a new city.
• If your friendships have slowly faded: why friendships fade with age explains the drift and the habit that reverses it.
• If you are retired or close to it: friendship after retirement covers why the circle often shrinks at 65 and how to rebuild it.
• If loneliness feels heavier than a scheduling problem: board games and loneliness looks at the public health side.
• If you want a place, not just a plan: the third place problem explains why adults lost their hangouts and where to find new ones.

FAQ

Where is the best place to make friends as an adult?

Anywhere that meets regularly and gives people something to do together. Weekly game nights, clubs, classes, choirs, sports leagues, and volunteer shifts all work. The key is that you see the same people again without having to schedule each visit.

Is it normal to have no friends as an adult?

It is more common than people think. About 12 percent of Americans reported having no close friends in a 2021 survey. Common is not the same as permanent. One weekly commitment and a few months of showing up can change it.

How many hours does it take to make a friend?

Research from the University of Kansas suggests about 50 hours to become casual friends, about 90 hours to become friends, and more than 200 hours to become close friends. A three-hour weekly game night reaches casual friendship in about four months.

How do you make friends as an adult if you are shy?

Choose a structured activity where the activity carries the conversation. Cooperative board games are a good fit because the group talks about the game, not about each other. Arrive a few minutes early, when the room is small and quiet, and ask the host to seat you at a table.

What if I go and nobody talks to me?

Give it more than one visit. Regulars are often friendly but busy on your first night. Ask someone to teach you their game: people love explaining a game they like, and it turns you from a stranger into their student in about thirty seconds.

Find your table

The Ludarium is building toward a membership game lounge in Indianapolis, a place where a standing night with the same people is easy to keep without anyone having to host. Until it opens, Ludarium Letters sends ideas for what to play and who to play it with. Subscribe below, and bring a new friend to your next game night.

The game is the reason. The people are the point.

Sources

• The State of American Friendship (Survey Center on American Life, 2021)
• Friends of a Certain Age: Why Is It Hard to Make Friends Over 30? (New York Times, 2012)
• Study reveals number of hours it takes to make a friend (University of Kansas, 2018)
• Good genes are nice, but joy is better (Harvard Gazette, 2017)